Mommy Guilt

After a full weekend of single parenting, I'm ready for a break.

Church has been a challenge with Allie, ever since I was pregnant with her.  Of course, instead of feeling like I would pass out or puke, now I have to deal with non-stop active girl.  A girl that would be super happy if I let her wander among everyone, and even happier if she could sing and talk at full volume whenever she wants.

I used to enjoy church.  I don't so much anymore.  It's a weekly chore.  I love my chosen faith and I like the church family we're a part of right now.  The only problem is there is no nursery.  Which means by default the congregation decided that they'd rather have the children in the church and hear them.  Which is fine, but does not allow for the parents to be spiritually refilled.  How can a mama get anything from the sermon when keeping the goldfish crackers from being thrown or ground in the floor, hoping the current activity for said 23 month old to keep her quiet for just 30 more seconds while using mommy super-powers to come up with another activity when that one gets old.  Where exactly does that leave time for hearing God's word and digesting it.

Today we didn't make it through the service.  I couldn't do it.  The people around us deserved to be able to remember something about the service other than how annoying/cute/busy a certain little girl is.

As I was driving away from church today, this thought occurred to me.  The most effective and successful momma's I know are the most selfless ones.  You have to be willing to be selfless as a parent, especially as the primary parent.  You give things up and don't let the resentment about that affect your behavior.  I, however, am not that wonderful, effective and successful momma.  I am selfish.  I resent that I am not able to what I want, when I want, or how I want. I have to take the girls, especially Allie into consideration. 

I was almost in tears, then to break the tension, turned on the local K-Love radio.  I couldn't sit through service, have communion or hear the sermon, but I was able to be fed spiritually - just a bit, and I feel better.

How in the world could I be resentful of these two?

And now I get to pray and realize that I'm not perfect, and that God chose me to be Mother to my girls.  That somehow I'm more suited to this job for them than anyone else in the world.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

I repeat that verse alot.  Repeat it with me. 

Mommy Guilt

Today was the kick off for the new year of MOPS, Mothers of PreSchoolers, in our area.  I truly enjoy this group and get a lot out of the programs and just the fellowship with other moms.

I saw many moms with "new" babies.  The were so small and sweet.  The mom's looked so completely in love and excited to have their babies, to hold them, cuddle them, change their clothes.  I wonder if I even remotely appeared to feel that way with Baby Pie.  I know I did with Bug. 

Baby Pie will be 11 months old at the end of this week.  I'm looking back on this last year and am feeling guilty.  Pie was unexpected and as I've said before rocked my world.  I love her dearly and would do anything for her, but I remember feeling resentful of her presence in my world.  I don't know that I've spent the amount of time doting on her as I did with Bug.  I've had the time to do it, but she also wasn't very receptive to cuddling, rocking and lullabies.  I know I haven't read to her even a tenth as much as I read to Bug, but again, she's not receptive to sitting on a lap or on her own and hearing more than a page or two.

I knew how to parent Bug.  I am lost trying to parent Pie and I feel horrible about it.  I found myself confessing today to another mom that I want to put her in daycare 1-2 days a week so I can have a break from her and she can have a break from me and be around other kiddos her age.  The disbelieving look I got from the other mom was disconcerting.  I found  I needed to justify, justify, justify what I was THINKING about doing.  It's not like I was thinking about putting her by the side of the road for a few hours a day a couple of days a week for a break.  That would make me a bad mom.

Anyway, I took lunch to hubby and cried a bit when I told him what was bothering me.  My dream would be that he stops at the store on the way home and gets me a cheapo boquet.  However, reality is that he'll come home to Pie waking up and Bug unhappily managing homework and leftovers for dinner and he'll tell me how sucky his day was.  He'll ask about my feelings and pick up and carry Pie around, but all will be brushed aside soon enough as he returns to the blow by blow of his day and plans for studying this evening.  There is nothing wrong with reality.  It's how we communicate.  It's part of how our relationship works.  However, I can dream.  I can dream of boquets on bad days.  I can dream.

I hate mommy guilt.  Babies are different.  Children are different.  Parenting, thus, has to be different and aimed at each individual.

“Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before.” Joel 2:23 NIV 

Hmm.  This verse was waiting for me on Facebook from Proverbs 31 Ministries when I got home this afternoon.  Rejoice because God has given us rain.  But doesn't rain disrupt things?  Make things muddy?  The clouds cover the sun and the water spits from the heavens.   Warm showers or cold icy downpours both accomplish the same thing - getting you wet.  But isn't it God that send the rains in season?  Doesn't this verse say to rejoice in the rain?  That's hard to do.  That's looking for the silver lining in the dingy gray clouds.

Maybe that's like my rainstorm, the second act of motherhood with Pie.  It's uncomfortable and disrupting. It takes me out of my comfort zone.  This verse reminds me that I need to rejoice in her. That I need to take a step back and look for the silver lining in the chronic diaper rash and the  sleep deprivation.  I need to purposfully enjoy my daughter, and rejoice in her precious life.  Like the dry earth I need to soak up her precious presence in my life and watch what grows from my second act of motherhood.

I love that God is so much greater than all of my problems.  I love that he provides guidance and counsel to me in unexpected ways.