Pain and Craziness

Well, todays walk was 2.75 miles in 60 minutes.  It hurt like hell.  My heels are blistered and raw, the bandaids and thick socks are no longer helping.  I'm beginning to get blisters on my toes and on the undersides of the balls of my feet and bottom sides of my heels (under my considerable callouses). 

I realized that this pain is temporary, but it's taking over.  My body didn't feel bad during the walk, just my feet.  However now, my feet hurt (except my heels) when I walk on them.  My knees, ankles and hips are all aching as well as my lower back and shoulders. 

Baby Pie isn't having a good day.  She woke up in a foul mood this morning.  Hubby yelled at Bug this morning before school.  And I hurt.  I could just cry and sleep.  Not sure in which order.

I'm frustrated by the lack of speaking with words that Baby Pie does.  Again I could just cry.

The house looks like it's thrown up on itself.  I replaced my broken ironing board a few weeks ago, just to find that the replacement itself was broken.  I'm in desperate need of some sewing time.  I returned the replacement last evening.  Every surface in this home is piled with stuff.  I long to have a place that has enough room for me to organize and put away.  When I put things away in this house I feel like I'm jamming things in a spot just because that's the only place to put them, not because it's logical or because they are with like things.  Thus, very little gets put away and it all piles up.  The more clutter this house has the more anxiety I have.  I realize that is part of my problem today.  The other part of my problem is that I HURT from exercising and that every time I stand up to try to deal with any of the clutter, Baby Pie is following me whining.  So here I sit, watching her "read" a book to herself.

It just doesn't seem right that taking care of yourself should hurt so much.  Why is that?  It doesn't hurt to eat too much of the wrong things. That seems backward to me.  A McDonalds coke and fries should instill pain while exercising should feel like an fulfilling pleasant experience.

I know this pain is temporary.  It is because I've not take care of my body for 2 years.  I have to do extra to undo the damage I've done.  I've not yet stepped on the scale to see if it's going in the right direction.  I know from experience that especially in the first weeks of an exercise program, a body tends to retain fluid in an effort to help the muscles heal, etc.  I am going to be bummed on Saturday morning if the scale hasn't moved though.

The other part of my craziness today is again the clutter, but it's the baby toy clutter that's driving me bonkers.  I cannot even begin to put Pies toys away or in order because she follows me and dumps, spreads and basically undoes all the cleaning and picking up I do in front of her.

I've been praying.  Praying for strength to get through this point.  Strength to continue exercising.  Praying for peace in my heart.  Peace to let go of the frustration with Pie.  Praying for perserverance.  So I can see myself through to being healthy again.  So I can get this house cleaned up and presentable.  So I am not as frustrated with the reappearing clutter, laundry and dishes that seem to encompass my existance.

Painfully Praying,

Me

Sweat is My Friend - Day 2

Day 2 of my permanent lifestyle change (again) has started pretty well.

I again wasn't able to get up and exercise before everyone left for school and work, but fortunately Baby Pie got up early and went down for her morning nap early!

It was all I could do not to go back to bed when she did, but I did the better thing.  I put on my exercise capris, the t-shirt that I was swimming in 100 lbs ago that is now skin tight, 2 band aids on each heel, good thick socks and different shoes and I walked. 

I walked at a bit of a slower pace, 2.7mph and acheived 2.75 miles in 61 minutes.  It actually felt good, once I got on and started.  I'm not watching tv and I'm not listening to my workout music yet- I'm listening to one of my favorite books, Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet.  I also pondered the mess I get to look at around the treadmill and I prayed.

I still haven't begun the food journal.  I've given up stopping at McDonalds for any reason. Which is really, really hard, because I absolutely love their coke and fries.  I am also paying more attention to my portion sizes and adding more veggies and fewer starches.  I'm partially giving up my lemonade and cherry pepsi.  I say partially, because I am still having some, just a small portion of what I was drinking before.  More water, and crystal light.

Sweat is my friend. Sweat is my friend.  Sweat is my friend.  Sweat is my friend.

I must keep up this mantra.  Sweat means my body is working, that muscles are being used, and that hopefully fat stores are being utilized to fuel the muscles.

I just hate it that the sweat continues after I'm done walking and after I've showered.  Having been here and done this before, I know that this also will go away.  My body will cool down faster as there is less of it to cool.

I'm pumped.  Happy to be finally doing something to change what I hate about myself.  Looking forward to tomorrow.

Have a great day.  Do something to move it, move it!

Me

Sweat is my friend.

Sweat is my friend.  That was my motto last time I lost 100 pounds.  Yes, you read correctly, 100 pounds.  In the years since with two moves and a baby I've gained it all back.  A fact that I'm incredibly ashamed of.

Truth is, I hate to sweat.  I hate to sweat until the sweat is no longer just a nuisance.  I begin loving sweat when I'm soaked and dripping.  That kind of sweat, however, won't begin to happen for at least another month or two of intense exercise, maybe longer.

Today is the day I begin working on my permanent life change (again).  Months ago my husband and I agreed that today would be the day.  A week ago, I promised my new doctor that today would be the day. 

I didn't get up at 5:30am like we had planned.  I couldn't turn my brain off last night.  I kept thinking about quilting patterns, colors, fabrics and designs.  I thought about machine quilting patterns.  I thought and prayed about multiple friends who have cancer, trying to imagine life with that ton of unwanted bricks thrown in.  I thought and prayed for friends that have lost loved ones recently and for friends who have had babies.  I thought and prayed for friends of mine that are in the midst of a divorce.  I wondered when the breaking point in the marriage happened, what were the factors and if they had tried all means possible to keep it together.  All questions I'd never be comfortable asking.  I finally began drifting off around 2:30 or 3am and then Sweet Baby Pie woke up for a bottle.  I was perfectly happy to sleep until 7am.

I have however just finished dancing with the Wii for 1/2 hour.  Sweet Baby Pie danced with me, as well as a 16 month old can dance.  I did sweat.  Not the great dripping sweat, but the nasty sticky uncomfortable sweat.  I will walk on the "dreadmill" for another 1/2 hour today when Sweet Baby Pie is napping.  That will make 1 hour of exercise for today. 

This whole exercise/weight loss thing was so much easier 4 years ago when I could just take Bug to school then come home exercise, cry and shower all by myself.  Now I have to figure out how to do it with Baby Pie.

I also need to begin a food journal.  UGH!

I must remember my body is God's temple.  I've not been treating God's temple very well these last few years.  I've done this before, I can do it again. 

A journey to lose 100+ pounds starts with one step.  That step will be taken today.

Update:

Dear Treadmill,

How I loathe you.  Thirty minutes for 1.5 miles and blisters on both heels.  With some band aids and a jug of water I'll conquer you tomorrow!

Me

Sewing for Sanity

My living room looks like it has thrown up on itself.

My kitchen has a days worth of dishes to be done and a dishwasher that needs to be emptied first.

My washing machine is just agape at the piles in the bedrooms and bathroom.

My daughters closet is virtually empty, because all her clean clothes are piled in my room.

Girls are both sleeping.

Husband is studying.

I am going to ignore the totality of the chaos in my home and sew.

All of that "stuff" will be there in the daylight.  Tonight, in the dark I'm going to cut perfectly good fabric into little pieces.  Then I'm going to sew it back together again.  Hopefully when resewn it's an improvement.

Sewing myself back into sanity.  So I can look the chaos in the face in the morning and take control.

Busyness

I have been busy.  Lots of stuff to do.  Lots of stuff that I've gotten done.

Took Baby Pie to Sesame Street Live.  It was fun to see her enjoying herself.  She stood and bounced up and down and clapped her hands.  My friends daughter kept yelling for Ernie. I had so much fun watching them and their reactions.  Of course I forgot my camera.  My friend brought her good camera and proimised to email me pictures.

I am so behind with laundry.  I have at least 4 maybe 6 loads to get done.  I don't mind doing laundry, I just can't stand putting it away.

Well, thanks to all the busyness, I have promptly gotten myself sick.  The plan for the weekend was to go to Burlington Apple Harvest Festival, however the weather should be in the 40's and rainy.  Between my being sick and thinking that Baby Pie is getting sick, we've trashed the plans.

Anyway, being sick has completely made a couch potato out of me.  I cannot put exertion into anything or I get a horrible fit of coughing that feels like my throat is ripping open and my lungs are going to implode. 

Needless to say, I've spent all day in my comfy nightgown and robe in my big blue chair.  I'm suprised my butt isn't numb.  I've been on Facebook most of the day, and CarePages.  One of my friends is getting a huge promotion in her business, another friend had an adoption finalized today, one friend is just beginning a battle with cancer, she doesn't know what type yet, one friend continues her battle with cancer, and one is having a tough pregnancy and will soon be moving.  All that being said, I spend much of the day praying.  Praying in celebration. Praying for comfort and healing.  Praying for a healthy mom and baby.  Praying for strength.  Praying in thanksgiving.  Praying for all my friends that touched me today.  Praying.

Changing it up!

I have never - ever colored my hair. 

Well, ok, in between freshman and sophomore year in highschool, I got a little overzealous with sun-in, but that's not really coloring your hair.

I've thought about it many times.

As I've gone grayer and grayer (I'm really not all that gray yet) I've toyed with the possibility and set it aside.

I've actually had quite a few people tell me they though my long strands of gray on my temples were highlights...which makes it easier to not go for the color.

It occured to me the other day that I'd like to change something up in my life.  Since I can't not have kids, and I know from experience that it will take lots of time walking and working out to lose the amount of weight that would make me a healthier size, so that's out too, not an overnight fix.  Painting the fingers and toes just doesn't do it for me.

I took a big step today.  I bought a box of hair color.  I now need to do a strand test. 

Gonna try to go to a "light natural auburn". 

I'm nervous.

This should only last for 6-8 weeks.

Part of me wants to do it when Baby Pie goes down for a nap, but I also think that I need to sleep and that may be more important!

We'll see how long it takes to get up the nerve to play kitchen beautician.

I did it, not 15 minutes after writing this post.  It's way darker than I thought it would be and a bit more purply red, but I don't hate it. 

I wonder what hubby's reaction will be to it when he gets home.  I've not told him that I did this. Hmmm.

Mommy Guilt

Today was the kick off for the new year of MOPS, Mothers of PreSchoolers, in our area.  I truly enjoy this group and get a lot out of the programs and just the fellowship with other moms.

I saw many moms with "new" babies.  The were so small and sweet.  The mom's looked so completely in love and excited to have their babies, to hold them, cuddle them, change their clothes.  I wonder if I even remotely appeared to feel that way with Baby Pie.  I know I did with Bug. 

Baby Pie will be 11 months old at the end of this week.  I'm looking back on this last year and am feeling guilty.  Pie was unexpected and as I've said before rocked my world.  I love her dearly and would do anything for her, but I remember feeling resentful of her presence in my world.  I don't know that I've spent the amount of time doting on her as I did with Bug.  I've had the time to do it, but she also wasn't very receptive to cuddling, rocking and lullabies.  I know I haven't read to her even a tenth as much as I read to Bug, but again, she's not receptive to sitting on a lap or on her own and hearing more than a page or two.

I knew how to parent Bug.  I am lost trying to parent Pie and I feel horrible about it.  I found myself confessing today to another mom that I want to put her in daycare 1-2 days a week so I can have a break from her and she can have a break from me and be around other kiddos her age.  The disbelieving look I got from the other mom was disconcerting.  I found  I needed to justify, justify, justify what I was THINKING about doing.  It's not like I was thinking about putting her by the side of the road for a few hours a day a couple of days a week for a break.  That would make me a bad mom.

Anyway, I took lunch to hubby and cried a bit when I told him what was bothering me.  My dream would be that he stops at the store on the way home and gets me a cheapo boquet.  However, reality is that he'll come home to Pie waking up and Bug unhappily managing homework and leftovers for dinner and he'll tell me how sucky his day was.  He'll ask about my feelings and pick up and carry Pie around, but all will be brushed aside soon enough as he returns to the blow by blow of his day and plans for studying this evening.  There is nothing wrong with reality.  It's how we communicate.  It's part of how our relationship works.  However, I can dream.  I can dream of boquets on bad days.  I can dream.

I hate mommy guilt.  Babies are different.  Children are different.  Parenting, thus, has to be different and aimed at each individual.

“Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before.” Joel 2:23 NIV 

Hmm.  This verse was waiting for me on Facebook from Proverbs 31 Ministries when I got home this afternoon.  Rejoice because God has given us rain.  But doesn't rain disrupt things?  Make things muddy?  The clouds cover the sun and the water spits from the heavens.   Warm showers or cold icy downpours both accomplish the same thing - getting you wet.  But isn't it God that send the rains in season?  Doesn't this verse say to rejoice in the rain?  That's hard to do.  That's looking for the silver lining in the dingy gray clouds.

Maybe that's like my rainstorm, the second act of motherhood with Pie.  It's uncomfortable and disrupting. It takes me out of my comfort zone.  This verse reminds me that I need to rejoice in her. That I need to take a step back and look for the silver lining in the chronic diaper rash and the  sleep deprivation.  I need to purposfully enjoy my daughter, and rejoice in her precious life.  Like the dry earth I need to soak up her precious presence in my life and watch what grows from my second act of motherhood.

I love that God is so much greater than all of my problems.  I love that he provides guidance and counsel to me in unexpected ways.