After a full weekend of single parenting, I'm ready for a break.
Church has been a challenge with Allie, ever since I was pregnant with her. Of course, instead of feeling like I would pass out or puke, now I have to deal with non-stop active girl. A girl that would be super happy if I let her wander among everyone, and even happier if she could sing and talk at full volume whenever she wants.
I used to enjoy church. I don't so much anymore. It's a weekly chore. I love my chosen faith and I like the church family we're a part of right now. The only problem is there is no nursery. Which means by default the congregation decided that they'd rather have the children in the church and hear them. Which is fine, but does not allow for the parents to be spiritually refilled. How can a mama get anything from the sermon when keeping the goldfish crackers from being thrown or ground in the floor, hoping the current activity for said 23 month old to keep her quiet for just 30 more seconds while using mommy super-powers to come up with another activity when that one gets old. Where exactly does that leave time for hearing God's word and digesting it.
Today we didn't make it through the service. I couldn't do it. The people around us deserved to be able to remember something about the service other than how annoying/cute/busy a certain little girl is.
As I was driving away from church today, this thought occurred to me. The most effective and successful momma's I know are the most selfless ones. You have to be willing to be selfless as a parent, especially as the primary parent. You give things up and don't let the resentment about that affect your behavior. I, however, am not that wonderful, effective and successful momma. I am selfish. I resent that I am not able to what I want, when I want, or how I want. I have to take the girls, especially Allie into consideration.
I was almost in tears, then to break the tension, turned on the local K-Love radio. I couldn't sit through service, have communion or hear the sermon, but I was able to be fed spiritually - just a bit, and I feel better.
How in the world could I be resentful of these two?
And now I get to pray and realize that I'm not perfect, and that God chose me to be Mother to my girls. That somehow I'm more suited to this job for them than anyone else in the world.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
I repeat that verse alot. Repeat it with me.