Pain and Craziness

Well, todays walk was 2.75 miles in 60 minutes.  It hurt like hell.  My heels are blistered and raw, the bandaids and thick socks are no longer helping.  I'm beginning to get blisters on my toes and on the undersides of the balls of my feet and bottom sides of my heels (under my considerable callouses). 

I realized that this pain is temporary, but it's taking over.  My body didn't feel bad during the walk, just my feet.  However now, my feet hurt (except my heels) when I walk on them.  My knees, ankles and hips are all aching as well as my lower back and shoulders. 

Baby Pie isn't having a good day.  She woke up in a foul mood this morning.  Hubby yelled at Bug this morning before school.  And I hurt.  I could just cry and sleep.  Not sure in which order.

I'm frustrated by the lack of speaking with words that Baby Pie does.  Again I could just cry.

The house looks like it's thrown up on itself.  I replaced my broken ironing board a few weeks ago, just to find that the replacement itself was broken.  I'm in desperate need of some sewing time.  I returned the replacement last evening.  Every surface in this home is piled with stuff.  I long to have a place that has enough room for me to organize and put away.  When I put things away in this house I feel like I'm jamming things in a spot just because that's the only place to put them, not because it's logical or because they are with like things.  Thus, very little gets put away and it all piles up.  The more clutter this house has the more anxiety I have.  I realize that is part of my problem today.  The other part of my problem is that I HURT from exercising and that every time I stand up to try to deal with any of the clutter, Baby Pie is following me whining.  So here I sit, watching her "read" a book to herself.

It just doesn't seem right that taking care of yourself should hurt so much.  Why is that?  It doesn't hurt to eat too much of the wrong things. That seems backward to me.  A McDonalds coke and fries should instill pain while exercising should feel like an fulfilling pleasant experience.

I know this pain is temporary.  It is because I've not take care of my body for 2 years.  I have to do extra to undo the damage I've done.  I've not yet stepped on the scale to see if it's going in the right direction.  I know from experience that especially in the first weeks of an exercise program, a body tends to retain fluid in an effort to help the muscles heal, etc.  I am going to be bummed on Saturday morning if the scale hasn't moved though.

The other part of my craziness today is again the clutter, but it's the baby toy clutter that's driving me bonkers.  I cannot even begin to put Pies toys away or in order because she follows me and dumps, spreads and basically undoes all the cleaning and picking up I do in front of her.

I've been praying.  Praying for strength to get through this point.  Strength to continue exercising.  Praying for peace in my heart.  Peace to let go of the frustration with Pie.  Praying for perserverance.  So I can see myself through to being healthy again.  So I can get this house cleaned up and presentable.  So I am not as frustrated with the reappearing clutter, laundry and dishes that seem to encompass my existance.

Painfully Praying,

Me

Sweat is My Friend - Day 2

Day 2 of my permanent lifestyle change (again) has started pretty well.

I again wasn't able to get up and exercise before everyone left for school and work, but fortunately Baby Pie got up early and went down for her morning nap early!

It was all I could do not to go back to bed when she did, but I did the better thing.  I put on my exercise capris, the t-shirt that I was swimming in 100 lbs ago that is now skin tight, 2 band aids on each heel, good thick socks and different shoes and I walked. 

I walked at a bit of a slower pace, 2.7mph and acheived 2.75 miles in 61 minutes.  It actually felt good, once I got on and started.  I'm not watching tv and I'm not listening to my workout music yet- I'm listening to one of my favorite books, Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet.  I also pondered the mess I get to look at around the treadmill and I prayed.

I still haven't begun the food journal.  I've given up stopping at McDonalds for any reason. Which is really, really hard, because I absolutely love their coke and fries.  I am also paying more attention to my portion sizes and adding more veggies and fewer starches.  I'm partially giving up my lemonade and cherry pepsi.  I say partially, because I am still having some, just a small portion of what I was drinking before.  More water, and crystal light.

Sweat is my friend. Sweat is my friend.  Sweat is my friend.  Sweat is my friend.

I must keep up this mantra.  Sweat means my body is working, that muscles are being used, and that hopefully fat stores are being utilized to fuel the muscles.

I just hate it that the sweat continues after I'm done walking and after I've showered.  Having been here and done this before, I know that this also will go away.  My body will cool down faster as there is less of it to cool.

I'm pumped.  Happy to be finally doing something to change what I hate about myself.  Looking forward to tomorrow.

Have a great day.  Do something to move it, move it!

Me

Sweat is my friend.

Sweat is my friend.  That was my motto last time I lost 100 pounds.  Yes, you read correctly, 100 pounds.  In the years since with two moves and a baby I've gained it all back.  A fact that I'm incredibly ashamed of.

Truth is, I hate to sweat.  I hate to sweat until the sweat is no longer just a nuisance.  I begin loving sweat when I'm soaked and dripping.  That kind of sweat, however, won't begin to happen for at least another month or two of intense exercise, maybe longer.

Today is the day I begin working on my permanent life change (again).  Months ago my husband and I agreed that today would be the day.  A week ago, I promised my new doctor that today would be the day. 

I didn't get up at 5:30am like we had planned.  I couldn't turn my brain off last night.  I kept thinking about quilting patterns, colors, fabrics and designs.  I thought about machine quilting patterns.  I thought and prayed about multiple friends who have cancer, trying to imagine life with that ton of unwanted bricks thrown in.  I thought and prayed for friends that have lost loved ones recently and for friends who have had babies.  I thought and prayed for friends of mine that are in the midst of a divorce.  I wondered when the breaking point in the marriage happened, what were the factors and if they had tried all means possible to keep it together.  All questions I'd never be comfortable asking.  I finally began drifting off around 2:30 or 3am and then Sweet Baby Pie woke up for a bottle.  I was perfectly happy to sleep until 7am.

I have however just finished dancing with the Wii for 1/2 hour.  Sweet Baby Pie danced with me, as well as a 16 month old can dance.  I did sweat.  Not the great dripping sweat, but the nasty sticky uncomfortable sweat.  I will walk on the "dreadmill" for another 1/2 hour today when Sweet Baby Pie is napping.  That will make 1 hour of exercise for today. 

This whole exercise/weight loss thing was so much easier 4 years ago when I could just take Bug to school then come home exercise, cry and shower all by myself.  Now I have to figure out how to do it with Baby Pie.

I also need to begin a food journal.  UGH!

I must remember my body is God's temple.  I've not been treating God's temple very well these last few years.  I've done this before, I can do it again. 

A journey to lose 100+ pounds starts with one step.  That step will be taken today.

Update:

Dear Treadmill,

How I loathe you.  Thirty minutes for 1.5 miles and blisters on both heels.  With some band aids and a jug of water I'll conquer you tomorrow!

Me